You can tell much about a person by the logos they wear. For example, if someone has a shirt or jacket with the “HH” logo, you know they’re a brand ambassador for Hamburger Helper®️, and are huge fans of beefy, cheese-product flavored pasta meals they eat thrice daily.

Steve Austin would be the Forty Five Point Five Million Dollar Man, adjusted for inflation.

Team rescues missing Putnam County man found shoulder deep in quicksand

As a Gen-Xer raised to believe the stuff was everywhere, I feel validated.

“Would you like to join us for an exclusive dinner event?”

Yeah, I’d love to!

“At Applebee’s.”

How dare you?

I opened the box containing the replacement shower drain cover, and its bag of screws — which is what I most wanted in the first place — fell to the ground. The cat grabbed it and ran off when I yelled at him to put it down. Now I’m back to having just 1 of the 2 screws needed to hold the cover in place.

In case you were wondering how my day was starting.

Far be it from me to tell anyone to clean their gutters, but if you have cattails growing in yours, it may be time.

A popular public transit app’s year end recap labeled me “Lord Tool, the Bus Punk”.

Uh, alright, I guess?

The dentist’s office has full-blown novels in the waiting room, which bodes ill for expected waiting times.

My coworker Secret Santa gets me.

A seasonal reminder that a “fun size” Twix bar would be roughly the size of my forearm, and anything less is false advertising.